REALLY  FUNNY   JOKES

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”
So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.
She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”
“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”
“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?

Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.

Customer: Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

EDUCATION JOKES

EDUCATION  JOKES

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Physics Teacher: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?”
Student: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.”
Two factory workers talking:
Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: “And how would you do that?”
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: “What are you doing?”
Woman: “I’m a light bulb.”
Boss: “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: “Where are you going?”
The man says: “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
A man talking to God:
The man: “God, how long is a million years?”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me it’s a penny.”
The man: “God, may I have a penny?”
God: “Wait a minute.”
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”
The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Teacher: “Why are you late, Joseph?”
Joseph: “Because of a sign down the road.”
Teacher: “What does a sign have to do with you being late?”
Joseph: “The sign said, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow!’”
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” – said a boy to a girl.
“Well, do you know who I am?” – asked the girl.
“No.” – replied the boy.
“I’m the principal’s daughter.” – said the girl.
“And do you know who I am?” – asked the boy.
“No.” – she replied.
“Thank goodness!” – said the boy with a sign of relief.
Teacher asked George: “How can you prove the earth is round?”
George replied: “I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.”
Teacher: “Here is a math problem. If your dad earned $300 dollars a week and he gave your mother half, what should he have?”
Student: “A heart attack.”
Teacher: “This essay on your dog is, word for word, the same as your brother’s.”
Student: Yes, sir, it is the same dog.”
Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Vincent: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”
Sylvia: “Dad, can you write in the dark?”
Dad: “I think so. What do you want me to write?”
Sylvia: “Your name on this report card.”
Mother: “Why did you get such a low mark on that test?”
Junior: “Because of absence.”
Mother: “You mean you were absent on the day of the test?”
Junior: “No, but the kid who sits next to me was.”
Teacher: “John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?”
John: “You told me to do it without using tables.”
Teacher: “Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.”
Winnie: “Me.”
Teacher: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Louie: “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”

FUNNY SHORT JOKES

FUNNY   SHORT   JOKES.

Dad: Shame on you, Peter. Why did you hit your little sister?
Peter: Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself!

“Mary, why did you kick your brother in the stomach?! exclaimed the angry mother.
“It was pure accident, Mama. He turned around.”

“Mama, there’s a man at the door,” said little Johnny.
“He says he’s collecting for senior citizens. Do you think we should hide Grandpa?”

Mrs. Peterson went to the doctor: “I’m terribly worried about my boy. He thinks he’s a chicken.”
The doctor asked, “And how long has this been going on?”
“Almost a year,” Mrs. Peterson replied.
“Well for goodness sakes! Why didn’t you bring him to see me sooner?”
“Because we needed the eggs!”

It was the end of the school year and Joey’s mother asked: “And were the exam questions difficult?”
“They weren’t bad at all,” her son replied. “It was the answers that gave me all the trouble.”

A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”
The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”
The husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.”
He replies “BREASTS.”

A Chinese man rings his boss, “Me no work I sick.”
Boss says, “When I’m sick, I make love with my wife. Try that.”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back, “Me better, you got nice house.”

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.
Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

A doctor says to his patient, “I have a bad news and a worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” – asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world’s worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
“Wonderful!” she replied, “However, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?”

Grandma and her little grandson were in the park picking up ripe walnuts on a beautiful fall day. “These are the kind of nuts your Daddy loves best,” she said.
The little boy replied, “Maybe he likes these things best but the nuts I like are doughnuts!”

“Did God make you, Papa?”
“Yep! He certainly did.”
“And did He make me too?”
“Of course, He did.”
“Well, He’s certainly doing better as He goes along, isn’t He?”

Little Emma returned from the birthday party and her mother asked: “Did you say ‘thank you’?”
“Well, no,” replied the little girl. “Y’see, the girl ahead of me thanked her and she said, ‘Don’t mention it!’ so I didn’t.”

Mom was preparing the two children for bed and was telling bedtime stories. She remarked that God made eyes to see, ears to hear, noses to smell and feet to run.
The little girl sat up and said, “But, Momma, I guess God got kinda mixed up with Tom, here, because Tom’s nose runs and his feet smell!”

With a frown wrinkling his forehead, little Johnny was working hard at his father’s desk scratching a pen along a page of his paper. His mother asked, “Are you writing a letter to your little girlfriend, Son?”
“Nope,” he grunted, “It’s a letter to myself.”
“Well,” she smiled, “What are you going to write about?”
“How should I know?” he squeaked, “I haven’t received it yet.”

A man called his friend’s house and a small voice greeted him.
“Is your Daddy there?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Could I speak with him?”
“He’s busy,” the little voice replied.
“Well, can I speak to your mother?”
“Nope, she is busy, too.”
“Well then, let me talk with your brother.”
“He’s busy, too.”
“For goodness sakes, what are they so busy doing?”
“They are looking for me!”

What can you put in your right hand but not your left?
Your left elbow.

Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don’t honk.